Jokes for a light heart
Problem at School: 1+1=2
Homework the same evening: 2+(12+2)/2=9 Exam the next day: Andrea has 2 Oranges. Alex has 3 Walnuts and an apple peeler. Their airplane to Hawaii is departing in 47 minutes. Calculate the distance from Mars to Jupiter.
Sign on the door of a local market: “Sorry, we are closed due to short staff.” Someone wrote below: “Hire taller staff because I need a pack of soda.”
- I gave my number to such a hot girl at the bar. I told her to contact me when she gets home, but she hasn’t done it yet. - You’re such a loser! - Who knows, maybe she is homeless.
Will the mosquito die if we spray him with mosquito repellent?
Probably not, but his friends will avoid him, while his enemies won’t be able to bite him.
Where do I find a perfect man? - It depends… First, you need to understand what ‘PERFECT’ means to you. - I want a man who wakes up at 5 am, exercises, makes his own bed, doesn’t drink alcohol, always punctual, and goes to the bed at 9 pm.
Where do I find him? -
I know the place where you can find many of such men. -
Where is that? I swear I will go and check tomorrow! -
Great! Tomorrow you will go to JAIL!
Dude, you are my best friend. I really have to tell you something. You are going to be mad at me but there is no choice. I have got two REALLY BAD news for you.
Can you combine both? - Oh, that will make it easier. Your wife is cheating on both of us.
- I used to like women and computers. But lately, I noticed I like women much more than PCs.
Is it the midlife crisis? -
It’s your Windows 10 reaction.
I wonder what people do with all the extra time they have from typing “u” not “you”
I walk Hundred Miles every day. -
It’s not possible! -
I swear! My dog’s name is Hundred Miles.
Was it you or your brother who was killed in Vietnam?
I have a great idea how we can get rid of all stupid people. No, we don’t need to kill them. We can simply remove all warning labels and in a week the problem will be solved!
When I was six, I had no friends. I talked to toys, trees, and parked cars. One day I went out for a walk and sat by a tree. I gave him a name, Ricky. I was talking to my friend Ricky when some elder boy went up to me and said: “Are you talking to a tree? You must be nuts!” And he started laughing. I was scared and I needed protection. I gave a hug to the tree and this made this boy laugh even more. Suddenly a large branch fell on his head, the boy cried and ran away. Thanks, Ricky!
My African-American friend from the senior class asked to write these words in the yearbook under his photo: “I am that Nigerian Prince that keeps emailing you about the money transfer. What’s up?”
Police officer: - Sir, I have a question. Where have you been between 4 and 5? - You may ask my Mom and Dad. I’ve been in the kindergarten when I was between 4 and 5.
Ophthalmologist’s birthday party. A few of his colleagues enter the house with a huge cake in the shape of the eye. “Well, I guess we are lucky it’s not my birthday!” – gynecologist says.
Grandpa tells his grandson: - Go hide! Your teacher came to visit us because you skipped the studies today! The boy replies: - No, you need to hide right now. I told her you were dead!
A wife and a husband pass by a drunk man at the bus stop. Husband: “This guy is so drunk!” Wife: “I know him. Fifteen years ago he asked me to marry him and I said NO.” Husband: “WOW! So this guy is still celebrating!”
i was washing my car when my neighbor walked by. He looked at me and said: - You washing your car? I did not know what to say. What kind of question is that? - No. I am watering it to see if it grows into a freaking bus.
Problem at School: 1+1=2
Homework the same evening: 2+(12+2)/2=9 Exam the next day: Andrea has 2 Oranges. Alex has 3 Walnuts and an apple peeler. Their airplane to Hawaii is departing in 47 minutes. Calculate the distance from Mars to Jupiter.
Sign on the door of a local market: “Sorry, we are closed due to short staff.” Someone wrote below: “Hire taller staff because I need a pack of soda.”
- I gave my number to such a hot girl at the bar. I told her to contact me when she gets home, but she hasn’t done it yet. - You’re such a loser! - Who knows, maybe she is homeless.
Will the mosquito die if we spray him with mosquito repellent?
Probably not, but his friends will avoid him, while his enemies won’t be able to bite him.
Where do I find a perfect man? - It depends… First, you need to understand what ‘PERFECT’ means to you. - I want a man who wakes up at 5 am, exercises, makes his own bed, doesn’t drink alcohol, always punctual, and goes to the bed at 9 pm.
Where do I find him? -
I know the place where you can find many of such men. -
Where is that? I swear I will go and check tomorrow! -
Great! Tomorrow you will go to JAIL!
Dude, you are my best friend. I really have to tell you something. You are going to be mad at me but there is no choice. I have got two REALLY BAD news for you.
Can you combine both? - Oh, that will make it easier. Your wife is cheating on both of us.
- I used to like women and computers. But lately, I noticed I like women much more than PCs.
Is it the midlife crisis? -
It’s your Windows 10 reaction.
I wonder what people do with all the extra time they have from typing “u” not “you”
I walk Hundred Miles every day. -
It’s not possible! -
I swear! My dog’s name is Hundred Miles.
Was it you or your brother who was killed in Vietnam?
I have a great idea how we can get rid of all stupid people. No, we don’t need to kill them. We can simply remove all warning labels and in a week the problem will be solved!
When I was six, I had no friends. I talked to toys, trees, and parked cars. One day I went out for a walk and sat by a tree. I gave him a name, Ricky. I was talking to my friend Ricky when some elder boy went up to me and said: “Are you talking to a tree? You must be nuts!” And he started laughing. I was scared and I needed protection. I gave a hug to the tree and this made this boy laugh even more. Suddenly a large branch fell on his head, the boy cried and ran away. Thanks, Ricky!
My African-American friend from the senior class asked to write these words in the yearbook under his photo: “I am that Nigerian Prince that keeps emailing you about the money transfer. What’s up?”
Police officer: - Sir, I have a question. Where have you been between 4 and 5? - You may ask my Mom and Dad. I’ve been in the kindergarten when I was between 4 and 5.
Ophthalmologist’s birthday party. A few of his colleagues enter the house with a huge cake in the shape of the eye. “Well, I guess we are lucky it’s not my birthday!” – gynecologist says.
Grandpa tells his grandson: - Go hide! Your teacher came to visit us because you skipped the studies today! The boy replies: - No, you need to hide right now. I told her you were dead!
A wife and a husband pass by a drunk man at the bus stop. Husband: “This guy is so drunk!” Wife: “I know him. Fifteen years ago he asked me to marry him and I said NO.” Husband: “WOW! So this guy is still celebrating!”
i was washing my car when my neighbor walked by. He looked at me and said: - You washing your car? I did not know what to say. What kind of question is that? - No. I am watering it to see if it grows into a freaking bus.
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